The Foreigner.

Yes sir. It's finally time to introduce one of the girls I met while I was abroad. *Drum roll* I am proud to present and induct the first non-asian girl into my personal hall of shame. The Foreigner.

I lied. This girl was actually not a new girl I met. She was an old friend I haven't seen for many years. However, what really matters is that we never dated and also never had sex until recently during my trip. Therefore, when taking my primary intentions into account, this girl shall be considered previously unknown.

As you may have guessed yourself by now, no one night stand initiates without a little bit of alcohol, the devil's advocate. Ironically, it does in fact advocate an immoral deed for our purposes, but honestly, what better purpose could alcohol have besides tricking little girls into your filthy bed?


One of the first few nights of stay I met with a group of old friends for a few drinks. The location was a rustic bar with dim lighting and jazzy music, providing a very casual and relaxing atmosphere. Although location may not be the key to a sucessful one nighter at the end of the day, it is still an important factor you should not overlook. This applies especially to those, who have not yet perfected their game and are weak at conversations. You will definitely thank the location when you realize that the infamous "awkward silence" is suddenly not awkward at all with help of your surrounding and the choice of music present.


Anyways, old story retold, a bit of chatting, a bit of drinking, a bit of flirting, a bit of not wanting the night to end so quickly and boom! What better option is there than to suggest and possibly host an afterparty when the waiters and waitresses start closing down the bar. Trust me, in no universe is there a better option. Simply summarized, afterparties is where the !@#$ goes down and you may or may not be lucky. This is when you don't want to waste your buzz from the bar and are willing to go all out. This is when everything civilized turns barbarian. This is when you don't want to talk about updates in one's life anymore and just want everyone to get drunk. This is when everyone gets horny and wants something to chew on.

Most importantly, THIS is when the last man standing wins.


As the group scattered all over my place; some of them sleeping, some talking, some drinking, some touching, some making food; I fortunately found myself on the bed with the foreigner flirting. During the whole evening I already sensed a naughty vibe from her, I just had to find the right moment when we would be alone and I could prey upon her petite body.


Things moved on fairly quick from here and we both eventually reached the point of nudity and began fondling. As my hand slowly but teasingly scanned her entire body, I came across what appeared to be an organic unidentifiable object. I wasn't worried at all, however, my curiousity did lead me to question what this object may be. Nope, it's not her breasticle I thought to myself. It was much smaller and to be found near her lower midsection. Unless this girl had granny-like sagging a-cups, it would not make sense at all. Piercing? Maybe. However, I crossed that off my list as well after a density and shape check. Maybe it's just dirt? Nope, not after I tried picking it and received an awful hard slap to my hand and an "OW" straight to my ear.


After seconds of brainstorming, I finally figured it out. This badboy is a !@#$ weird ass wart. What kind of wart? I don't !@#$ know! It was one of those 3D warts that you could touch and twist with possibly two long and lonely hairs growing out of it. Slightly surprised by this discovery, I could not get rid of the mental image fondling a raisin that was grown onto someone's stomach. Yet, I managed to calm myself down quickly and move on with the procedure even though the possibility of an STD did flash through my mind at some point. Then again, as a sexual disease archive such as myself, this deformed wart wouldn't even scare me even if it was transmittable. 

The sex didn't end up being great, but I didn't care much. It was so humorous that all I could think about during the poundage was how the wart would look like if I were to turn on the room lights. So much for foreign girls.


Tonic

The Booty Call.

Ah yes, the booty request. What a great invention, at least for people who are lazy to go on the hunt at night. Sadly, it is actually quite hard to establish proper and stable booty calls. Sooner or later, one side will get emotionally attached and the whole casual aspect will vanish.

Before I explain any further, I would like to wish everyone a very very late and merry christmas, and also a very late happy new year. Unfortunately, these few months have been very busy, in fact, so busy that I totally neglected this blog. Luckily, I have made quite a few entertaining and messed up experiences during these months I will write about these coming days.

Celebrating new years and christmas abroad was quite intoxicating, as you could probably imagine yourself. Shots, wine, champagne and lots of beer. I would love to share, but sadly, I don't remember a whole lot.


Anyways, arriving back to my home from my trip, I realized that all the numbers I have been collecting since late Novomber were useless. Why? There are two main reasons. Either the girl has hit her expiry date, or she has fallen in "love" with you.

For the first part, it's literally like buying a tub of yoghurt. You either finish it after eating a few times, or you just let it rot until it's no good anymore. This theory applies to almost every girl you do not intend to date. After several encounters, the drop in excitement usually does not call for another meet (used up your sexual quota). Or, you simply just haven't bothered with this girl because you're busy with many others currently which leads to expiration. Both parties have been out of contact for so long, it doesn't even make sense to contact each other anymore. If this occurs, you may still consider yourself lucky and should be happy.

The !@#$ piles up in the latter case, which is way worse and happens way too often. You meet with your "booty" half a dozen times and while you're pounding her, she kills the buzz better than Buzz Killington himself by saying, "(insert your name here), I don't think I can do this with you anymore, I have feelings for you!" 


Listen !@#$, sit the !@#$ down and calm yourself please. This ain't no kindergarden "do you like me? cross yes, no, maybe" bull!@#$. You don't fall for someone after having sex a few times. Feelings and emotions do not arise from one night stands. Also, if you tend to argue with "love on first sight", get !@#$ real, it will never apply to a one night stand for a few simple reasons. First, the guy who you appearantly have feelings for is the same guy who was trying to get you so drunk so he could slice you with his salami and pay you 20 bucks in the morning to cab straight out of his life. This man clearly, CLEARLY, does not intend to be a part of your future. Second, you are called for sex, not for a dinner date, not for a movie date, not for a cuddle date, you are called for sex, and sex only. So stop thinking so much and just bounce your hips and moan from time to time.

When the above mentioned situation occurs, and believe me, it will occur very often, the exchange of sexual favours ends instantly with this girl. Or at least, you should be smart enough to end it right at that moment yourself.It may sadden you, and it will sadden her for sure, but life goes on and you got to play the game the way it's meant to be played. 

You wouldn't want some crazy !@#$ waiting outside your window every night trying to marry you because she claims to be in love with you, right? It's important to move on to new "booties" and play the game right, as one wise fellow once summarized his life with; it's all about money, cars, drugs, bitches and guns.


Tonic

The Drought.

Oh dear, the drought has finally hit me. There are just weeks where your mojo is moist and fluid, and consequently, there are weeks where your mojo is dry and brick solid. I'm sure most of you guys have experienced this. It's a just one of those cycles of doom, where there are amazing ups and inevitable downs.

I sadly had to accept the fact that the week before the past one was already fairly dry. Ugly girl for thursday and two emergency booty calls I made on Friday and Saturday out of pity for myself. This already indicated to me that my mojo started to solidify, maybe reinforced by the cold weather as well.

However, I had my hopes up for last week after I acquired two numbers on Thursday at a karaoke bar without much effort. I wasn't even planning to get some numbers, I was rather enjoying some beers with brothers from other mothers and just wanted to hang out. Yet two girls approached and I stupidly believed that these two numbers would foreshadow a successful weekend. I was very very wrong. 

Pumped for a Friday night at my usual nightclub, I met a young lady who was well sloshed. So sloshed that she elbowed my drink into my crotch while attempting to grab her phone off the table. Before you think about anything naughty, no, this girl did not do it purposely. More like, she was actually clumsy and adding on to that, she was drunk enough to decrease her visual and limbic coordination ability.


Lucky for her, I am fairly mellow and this accident did not manage to kill my hunger for her quite yet. However, dancing with a wet crotch did. Ever two-stepped with a wet crotch? It's kind of like grinding with a boner. The club is so dark and you know exactly that nobody can see or notice even if they wanted to. Yet, as many of you probably experienced before, it is so hard not to think that everyone is just looking at your pants. When something mishappens around that sensitive area, it just seems like everyone is gossiping about what could have possibly happened there. Obviously, unlike the actual truth of what had occured, "That dude is so drunk he probably pissed himself without knowing it." seems just so much more convenient and entertaining. Still, keep in mind that nobody is actually looking around for a wet crotch and it is usually way too dark to tell if dark jeans have an even darker spot on them. Overcome your ego and do not let your self-esteem take a drop.


Moving on with the night, as if getting a rash on my thighs from the friction between jeans, gin tonic and skin wasn't enough, I managed to make a horrible mistake. Still wet, I walked outside to give myself a break from all this excitement. At this point, I would like to tell all non-smokers that I admire you, envy you, and that I am jealous of you. Not only will you save yourself many minutes of suffering by staying indoors rather than going outside to welcome the winter weather, but you will also never have to experience frozen gin tonic on your crotch that will turn your junior into a third nipple.


I just had to accept that the drought was here and I honestly did not want my crotch to suffer any more unfortunate wake-up calls. Bummed out as I was for the rest of the weekend, I just loafted and wanted to stay away from drinking girls for a while.


Just remember, having slow weekends is part of the game. All it does, is make the redemption weekend even more fun.


Tonic

The Cocky.

Cocky girls. Yeah, they're alright, at times. Only if they have the appearance to balance it out though. If they don't, they often need a dropkick to the face. The attitude they have going on is legendary. They are so full of themselves, it makes you want to be an even bigger asshole when kicking them out the next morning.


I had one of these tough nuts over yesterday for a good time. It wasn't. It would've been a good time, if her commentary wasn't so garbage and full of crap.


As usual, I decided to start my weekend early. I met this 5"1 girl this past Wednesday and was already very skeptical if I should invite her over after seeing her talk. She looks pretty decent and average, until she opens her god damn mouth. And by that, I don't only mean her cocky talking, I mean her teeth. An accurate description of her dental features may be illustrated by four, side-by-side, but unparallel tiger teeth. 


This is when you start questioning your standards and limits. At least you should be. A cranky girl who is as attractive as my hairy buttcrack? Never...is what I should have said, haha. But being the asshole that I am, I couldn't care less about the quality of a one-nighter. Besides, after drinking at my friend's house and getting sloshed, I could not miss out on a fresh booty call on a nice Thursday evening. Consequently, she came over after I called her for a few late drinks.


She was waiting at the door when I arrived back home. Even after several drinks, she was still very ugly and my excitement for this booty call sort of died. All I could think about was paperbagging this girl's face. The bad part was, her body was not tight either. I would've had to garbage bag this whole girl.


The night went pretty smooth still and I eventually accepted her physique. However, some issues did arise in the morning though. I'm sure you guys all know how crap girls look in the morning, but when you look like crap to begin with, seeing her in the morning under sunlight might just make your hangover a lot worse. After puking in my mouth a little, I realized the resemblance this lady had with smeagol. If you don't know who smeagol is, google image that creature. To make it short and simple, this girl was physically and mentally unappetizing. Seeing her squirt all the shit talk through the gap of her front teeth called for a dropkick out of my apartment, which I did. Girls, you just can't bitch around if you're not hot.


Let this be a lesson to me. And what a huge one it was. After this dreadful experience, I think I can consider myself having some standards in a girl now. Having a pork chop in your bed in the morning while being semi hungover is just too much to handle.


Tonic

The Gag Reflex.

Also known as the "Pharyngeal reflex", this little addition to your throat prevents the entering of unwanted bodies into your stomach and also prevents you from choking. At least that is what it should be doing when functioning properly and not abused in any kind of way.

This ultimately leads me to the girl I had over on Friday, who did, in fact, abuse her gag reflex. 

After a slow start last weekend, as mentioned in the previous post, I went to my usual nightclub on Friday. It must've been by far the weakest night since time as I only managed to acquire one number. Lucky for me, this number was a solid one. I was able to convert the number into a booty call the same night. She stopped by my place for a few more shots after the club closed.

Girls love to drink. Period. If the club or bar closes and they feel like they are not drunk enough, offering an after-party at your place is a 100% guaranteed yes. The problem is however, girls do not recognize when they have passed their limit. They simply don't know when to stop.


This may not seem to be a problem at first. But very soon you will realize that you need to stock up on many many safety bags. Also, you will need to stock up on laundry detergent. For some stupid reason, these !@#$ will always end up puking on your bed as soon as they lay down. I hate it, it's disgusting, and it makes their breath smell like an unclean and hairy poon. Basically anything ranging from the smell of feet after a two hour jog, a foul egg fart, dried chinese salty fish or intense explosive water-diarrhea would fall into the same category as puke breath.


Anyways, as this girl continued to get drunk until she couldn't feel her face anymore, I decided to hide the drinks and move on to business. Surprisingly, this catch was a naughty one. She loved deepthroating, and so did I.


For those who do not know what deepthroating is, it is a variation of oral sex, where the female attempts to place your junior into her mouth as deep and far back as possible.

Deepthroating does not only give you a pleasant feeling, but it will also make you want to crap your pants. Knowing that the girl is drunk, and hearing her gag reflex will scare the !@#$ out of you. It won't feel good anymore as the only thing going through your mind will be how she is going to vomit on your tinky winky and burn your tip away with the undigested hard liquor and the acidic bile from her liver. Trust me, that !@#$ is messed up. Every single choke you hear will haunt you for life.


I had to get this girl off my ween fairly soon as I was so annoyed and scared of cleaning my bedsheets after I had done so already several times the same week. And the tip of my beef bayonet mattered too obviously. After several attempts, I finally managed to get this drunk and horny girl off my pork sword and we were able to move onto other stuff that did not involve gagging.


Boys, I do not mean to scare you off of deepthroating with this post, just make sure the girl is not too sloshed. Because if she is, chances are, your body will lose its second head. Play safe folks.


Tonic

The Shy One.

Plain and simple. Shy girls are the best. They have tight bodies, and are horny as rabbits. Have you ever seen a rabbit going at it? That's what's up. At least if you can actually have intercourse with them, unlike my case...

Let me tell you something about shy girls. They feel awkward and are quiet the first time you meet them. Chances are, if she is actually shy, you will hardly meet her in an alcoholic environment, which is perfectly fine. As a minor hint, it does not matter how shy and "difficult" the girl is. Girls love leaders, make a confident and strong first impression and make sure your knowledge is very broad so you always have something to say back to the few things she will talk about. If you haven't been around much in life, make sure your bullsh*tting skills are amazing. Trust me, the female intuition sorts guys into different categories right at first sight. You could be good friend material, the guy she never wants to see again, or the playboy she fears and assumes she's so innocent you will never be able to touch her. At least that is what she will be thinking. Yeah, right.

It should be fairly obvious which category you want to be in. Tweak yourself accordingly and give the impression you want her to receive.

Once you make her feel comfortable and less awkward, it is time for the hunt. These girls are tough and you need to act quick. After the first meet ask her to come over to your place the same week. Do not allow them to move on in life and keep their curiousity as fresh as you can. Nine out of ten shy girls will definitely come over to hang out for the second time even though they know it is “wrong” according to their stupid morals and beliefs. They love the danger way too much. Shy girls don’t have much going on in life, and a male approaching her may be the highlight of their life.

I managed to meet one of these girls on a Tuesday. We went out for lunch; I worked my magic, and invited her over for dinner and a bottle of wine on a Thursday to start my weekend early. Without hesitation she agreed, and I knew that I would get this job done after offering a few smooth drinks without much alcoholic taste. She came over, shy and quiet as the first time we met, but I managed to loosen her up fairly quick as her alcohol tolerance was that of a four year old. We finished dinner, hung out, talked, and got more sloshed.

At the time when I was about to make my move, I discover one of the most dreadful and by far the worst addition to the female physique. The hymen. Also known as the vaginal skin of virginity. At this point I’m thinking to myself, what the !@#$. This !@#$ is a god damn virgin.

Doing a virgin is not only going to ruin her life, but yours as well. It will be the most annoying experience ever. She will cling onto you like gum in hair. Do not, I repeat, do not ever do a virgin if you don’t intend on dating her.

Anyways, after realizing what was going on, I had to settle for a night of cuddling. This wasn’t bad at all actually, as I acknowledged that even shy virgins are very horny and will do basically anything but intercourse. What really surprised me and got me stuck on her was her amazingly tight body. As for now, I actually intend on meeting more of these type of girls, just the ones who are not virgins though. By the way, never do a virgin please.

So much for a slow start to the last weekend, luckily it did not end there.

Tonic

The Friend Zone.

What is the so-called "Friend Zone"? A !@#$% piece of !@#$%. That's right. It is very hard to talk about this phenomenon without swearing and being fairly angry. What inspired me to write about this is obviously an experience that happened to me not long ago. As a matter of fact, this happened to me multiple times other than the most recent occurring event. Encountering this devil will waste your time, money, nerves, and at the end of the day there is still no girl in your bed, but rather a stupid new friend you may go shopping with.

This "zone" is by far the pinnacle and king of all cockblockings you can possibly experience. And here is how it works. As mentioned in my introductory post, girls will always think of you as a horndog who just wants to get into her pants with no intention on planning something serious. Boom. This is when dumb guys (including myself) think about the "nice approach" towards this woman you just can't stop thinking about. "I will be a real gentleman and take some time to win her heart over so i can finally see what I've only been visualizing in my head this whole time." (something dirty obviously)

You probably will buy her flowers, take her out for dinner, even prepare dinner for her, or simply suggest anything that a regular couple in this generation would do. But mainly, you focus on keeping the conversations interesting each time by learning more about her as well as letting her learn about you. After you've wasted a million dollars and eighty-nine weeks of your time, finally, bingo, you won her trust over. That's not the only good part though. The best part is that you will receive a prize out of pity after realizing that you now officially entered the infamous "Friend Zone". The prize illustrates itself in a feeling: the feeling of being !@#$ straight up your bum.


At the beginning you would think that there shouldn't be a problem with this approach at all, right? Especially when girls think guys are all the same, and you want to show them that you are different and better than the rest. Yeah well, too bad sucker. First of all, you are indeed the pervert that just wants to get her into your bed and not some gentleman, and second, girls will always fall for bad boys, and not any other type. It's true, there's something mysterious about females and their desire for bad boys. Probably because it's different, refreshing, risky, and exciting compared to a potential husband who is stable but boring. Who would choose chess over skydiving, right? (only losers)

But even after being crushed, you need to face your losses and let the feeling of being !@#$ straight up your bum teach you a lesson. You've lost money, time and you probably wanted to dropkick something when you realized that she just treats you as a friend now after you thought you were doing fairly well. Too bad, !@#$ happens.


Never ever change the way you are for a girl. Nice guys finish last. If you happen to be a natural nice guy, add some cockyness and attitude and neglect girls as you will realize that is what they are really into.


We shall all hate psychology and its invention of "Friend Zone", the harshest and most painful cockblocking experience you will or have already experienced.


Tonic